Handling holidays while TTC
Holidays hit different when you’re not holding your baby. The end of the year Christmas cheer doesn’t feel so cheer-y. It’s instead a marker of time passing, another year gone by without a positive test. I heard Josie Balka’s Christmas grief poem that captured so much of what I’m feeling this year. Here’s an excerpt:
“How can Christmas be Christmas when someone is missing
How can people keep baking and mistletoe kissing
How can Santa’s sleigh fly, how can reindeers feel strong
How can Christmas be Christmas when everything’s wrong
How can Christmas be Christmas when I feel like crying
How can trees keep their trimmings and the North Pole keep spying
How can snow still be pretty, how can people sing songs
How can Christmas be Christmas when someone is gone
How can Christmas be Christmas when they are not here
How can parades happen, how is there any cheer
How can we still pour egg nog, how can light fill our homes
How can Christmas be Christmas after we’re left alone
This sums up a lot of what’s going on in me this year. I’m giving myself grace to have the Advent season look different this year; I can still experience good in this season, but I’m also taking the pressure off. I delegated the group gift to my in-laws to my husband’s sister, I told my siblings we’re not doing sibling gifts, I said no to my husband’s company’s Christmas party and watched Emily in Paris at home with 0 regrets, I volunteered to bring low lift things to contribute family meals instead of the homemade dessert we normally bring. I’m making small changes that make life feel a bit more manageable and a little less sad. I’m thinking ahead about how to handle questions about how I’m doing and even about how The Village is going. I wanted to share things that have been helpful for me, so that maybe your holiday season will feel even a tiny bit lighter. <3
Lean into joy where you can. Drink the hot cocoa, go see the pretty lights, send the Christmas card. This season of your life isn’t a waste, even if it’s not what you pictured for yourself.
Know you’re not alone. You are not the only one who didn’t see a positive in 2025. Hugs <3
Say no where you need to. Give yourself a sloth day (or days..) and dip out on family time early if you need.
Cry as much as you need. This is so hard. Tears are fitting and good.
Start a new tradition for just you and your partner. Make a holiday movie calendar, schedule a nice dinner date, try a new cookie recipe, set some non-baby related goals for 2026.
Communicate clearly and graciously with family. Remember that no one is out to get you; most people are trying to love you well ... they just don’t always get it right or know how. You might need to give gentle reminders for if/how you want to talk about fertility related things.
My favorite deflections to have prepared before you go to your gathering:
“Thanks for checking in. I’ll update you when there are updates to share.”
“Thanks for asking, that was thoughtful. We’re taking a break from talking about fertility stuff over the holiday, but we’re really happy to see you! Did you see All Her Fault?!”
Send a text beforehand if you need to set a boundary:
“Hi! Can’t wait to hug you! Just a heads up, I don’t like talking about fertility stuff in big group settings, so if you could avoid bringing it up / follow my lead, I would super appreciate it! Otherwise I might be a puddle of tears at dinner, haha! Love you!”
Or a text to a trusted family member or friend if you need back-up:
“Hi! I’m nervous about people asking about baby stuff today, will you be in my corner and have my back in case I need help getting out of a convo I don’t want to be part of??”
Cheers! If you’re also saying “Good riddance” to 2025, I’m right here by your side, sister.
